Speak Gently--Part Two

Our Anna, now 20, has always been a person of few words. Even at the age when most babies sing and babble, she would be found quietly observing with her wide, beautiful eyes.

Anna has also been known to be stubborn, sometimes irrationally so. I believe that both her quietness and stubbornness come from a deep-seated confident assurance that cannot be easily shaken.

Children love Anna, and so do parents. Our older girls are often asked to watch other people's children during times of ministry. Our dear daughter has the uncanny ability (without raising her voice) to take a group of roudy youngsters and, with cheerfulness, bring order and enjoyment to the whole group by presenting a pleasant alternative.

When our little Lorilee was an infant and had been on a crying jag, Anna grabbed her up and said sweetly, "Don't cry, crying is silly!" and our baby, who would not be consoled, instantly hushed and smiled. Anna has been given the gift of a firm, yet absolutely tranquil spirit.

But most of us are not like Anna. Not many of us possess the natural ability to command our own emotions and thereby bring peace to a factious situation. The issue that concerns many of us as mothers is our tendency to raise our voices and become angry with our children. It causes us concern, shame, even heart-felt sadness.

First of all, I do not believe that all anger is sin. I also do not believe that all yelling is sin.

God becomes angry--the Bible is full of examples--

And they caused their sons and their daughters to pass through the fire, and used divination and enchantments, and sold themselves to do evil in the sight of the LORD, to provoke him to anger. Therefore the LORD was very angry with Israel, and removed them out of his sight: there was none left but the tribe of Judah only. (2 Kings 17:17-18)

There is a place for "righteous indignation", but we are cautioned never to let it get the better of us and cause us to sin by unnecessary injury to others. In our position as godly mothers, we must never allow our own anger, even if it is warranted, to do permanent physical or emotional harm to our children.

I would like to add something here. I do not believe that every time we exhibit anger our children are harmed forever--sometimes our children need to understand that they have invoked our displeasure, and perhaps the displeasure of God as stated in His word. Parents cannot afford to operate with timidity when it comes to disciplining their children--this undermining of authority brings more confusion and damage than anything else, in my humble opinion.

In fact, I believe that the root of what causes us to blow up and resort to anger when attempting to get control of a situation or a child is rooted in insecurity.

Anna is a prime example of what being secure will do in a parent-child relationship. Children listen to her because she doesn't say anything she doesn't mean (this is the wonderful consequence of being a woman of few words). They intuitively understand her by her intestinal fortitude, from which all her emotions and decisions eminate and are forged into steel. There is no moving her, no wavering on her part.

Most of us are not born with Anna's natural self-assuredness. We tend to change in our convictions and affirmations from one hour to the next, according to the need of the moment and/or our emotional state. This is why fathers tend to have a unique ability to garner respect from their children; they tend to be neither emotional nor "whishy-washy".

False guilt is one of the reasons many mothers lack confidence in the discipline and correction of their children. In our effort to want what is best for our children we have been falsely led to believe that we are doing them harm by using firmness in setting boundaries and even consequences for their misbehavior, when, in reality the very opposite is true.

We also don't correct our children with loving firmness due to our own selfish desire to be liked by them. In our attempt to meet our own "needs" we get in the way of God-directed parenting. We have forgotten to take up our cross and realize the wonderful privilege we have to lay down our lives for our children.

Sometimes, not wanting to be bothered by them, we choose to please ourselves when our children get in the way of our immediate interests--whether it be talking on the phone, going out with friends, crafting, computer time, or even getting some needed sleep (as mothers we know this is often a luxury, don't we?).

After a season of neglecting to correct with confidence and finality, our children become the typical, out-of-control youngsters that cause us to lose control. Since we have set a boundary for ourselves that we will give them no corporal punishment when angry, we choose, instead, to use the lashing of our tongue, in derogatory terms and hateful tone--at ear-piercing volume--to correct them. Then we traverse through another season of guilt and remorse in which we over-compensate with sweetness and timidity which ultimately brings confusion and greater disrespect to us. Consistent accountability with love is required when training children.

Common fear and worry are also some of the obvious sources of anger we extend to our children. Money, relationship, and health concerns can cause us to tense up and react to those around us. It is at these times that we not only raise our voices, but also use expletives to punctuate our points. Like Cain, we give in to a frustrated spirit which leads to devastating results.

It is impossible to deal with this type of "blowing it" without looking at the root cause. We need to be meditating on God's faithfulness, and learning to trust, be thankful for, and rejoice in all circumstances! The description of the word "faith" found in the Amplified Bible has helped me tremendously here.

Faith: the leaning of my entire personality on God in complete confidence of His wisdom, power and goodness.

Outside pressure can also cause us to errupt in many instances.

I am reminded here of how in the animal kingdom--mothers react negatively to prying eyes. These creatures must have privacy in order to care for their little ones. It is sad that we have been deceived to believe that we need some sort of "village" in order to raise human babies. Every new expectant mother soon learns of the many "opinions" that exist in society regarding child rearing, as she receives unsolicited input from a myriad of "experts". It can be overwhelming. Then, after the baby is born, she hears the noise of all these voices rushing in to confuse her.

One dear new mother came to church and cried uncontrollably for hours because she was sure she could not be "perfect" enough, and was so concerned she would do irreversible harm to her child at any moment without realizing it. She was the victim of too many "concerned" women giving her conflicting advice.

This is why our relationship with God must be our anchor. More than any governmental or church authority, it is He with whom we have to do, and He just happens to be our best Mentor and Encourager. If we can discipline and calm ourselves so that we can hear His voice speaking to us and directing us, we won't be way-laid by all of the voices out there telling us to chase after all of the new and urgent "requirements" of whatever parenting style is currently "in vogue"--and, believe me, societal parenting ideas change with the seasons. Staying away from gossip, griping circles and women's magazines (even most blogs) will also keep us from this sort of confusion.

Comparing ourselves with others will also lead us to react. I am thinking specifically here of all of the shows recently aired about large families on cable TV. It is so easy to feel as though we, our spouses, and our children are somehow not measuring up to the impossibly high standards we see on the television screen. While it is possible to come away from these programs with renewed convictions and hope, we can also become discontented with our lives and attempt to bring ourselves and our families up to a false sense of perfection on earth, and, in our consequent dissappointment, lash out with an angry, controlling disposition.

Again, being thankful and content will go a long way towards helping us become the mothers of our dreams, and having well-behaved children. We need to appreciate our circumstances, our husbands, and even ourselves for who they (we) are, and allow God to feed, nurture and provide for our needs, even though all we have to work with are a few fish and loaves.

In summary, we simply need to get out of the habit of raising our voices. It is just like any other habit we have developed. It is always more effort at first, but as we perservere, it becomes easier. As anyone who has overcome substance abuse will attest, any bad habit is first fought in the moment, by the hour, then by the day.

Confess to God every night, forgive yourself, then wake up each morning with a clean, fresh and vibrant slate.

Begin by making a mental list of thankfulness, then smile and approach your children confidently and cheerfully envisioning them as Jesus Christ sees them through His grace.

Learn to discipline yourself by taking advantage of healthy food and adequate sleep, instead of indulging in junk-food and using sleep time for "fun" so that you will begin to feel better about life from a physical standpoint. Make the effort to get regular exercise and play with your children.

Turn off the computer and put down the hobby or book and just listen when your little ones talk to you.

Don't put things off that could later cause problems.

Plan loosely to avoid frustrations without becoming disappointed if your plans fall through.

Keep life simple.

As my husband says, "Many todays have been spoiled by the worries of tomorrow". So true.

Trust God implicitly.

For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

(James 1:20)