A few good questions

I would like to address some questions asked of me via email concerning the training of boys, inspecting, nurturing vs. patrolling, etc.

It's an epidemic! We have the same issue w/ the near-same aged boys...I'd personally love to hear how you overcame feeling betrayed and deceived to deal with it in godliness...I'd love to hear how you taught the lessons you mentioned.... 

I detest inspecting. I need to do it. What is realistic? Am I really asking too much for their ages? When do I get to praise and be the nuturer instead of patrolman? Next week is appts and cleaning projects...and I want to make it a joy instead of a burden...

First of all, I do not take the foolishness of my children personally--I suppose this is because of the wonderful memory I have of my own childhood. Actually, my parents' feelings were not a part of my thinking at all--I just wanted my own way, regardless. I bucked against people and things that got into my way--I didn't discriminate. This is why I don't waste time feeling "betrayed" by my children--they are just being thoughtless of others in general, not specifically.

As far as dealing with things "in godliness"--I think sometimes we put God in a box and expect that we need to softly lilt our voices when we chide our children--I personally do not feel guilty about being sternly concerned, even at times stamping my foot a bit--just being honest here. Boys, especially, need firm lines drawn--if they are cantankerous, they need a mom who is tough, but, more importantly, they need a mom that is absolutely backed by a dad who will kick their rumps if they do not comply--and when these elements exist and discipline is consistent, boys will begin to settle down. It is essential, that Dad and Mom present a united front (children love to divide their parents). Children (especially boys) will feel more secure and less depressed when boundaries and expectations for behavior are in place and enforced. A young man who has not had someone help him to overcome his own tendencies to idleness can become a dark, depressed young man indeed! Boys tend to thrive on responsibility and hard work--don't let them distract you with false guilt. I stand firm and get Dad involved whenever necessary, and I am blessed with a dear man that won't "spare for their crying"--this grows up the very best young men.

As for inspecting, if I don't inspect, I am not being a diligent mother. If I expect them to do chores without any feedback, I am like the worst supervisor that ever lived--and the end result will be like a satellite whose orbit is degrading--eventually there will be atmospheric disintegration and a devastating crash!

Of course kids will push back--it is in our sinful natures to make things easy for ourselves.

I was raised by well-meaning women who chose to be unsubmitted to male authority. Then when my mother married an army sergeant, I was not too thrilled. But I found myself craving the sorts of boundaries he set--inwardly I had been asking for someone to teach me how to say "no" to myself. I don't believe I ever expressed things audibly, yet I was so happy because I knew he was serious when he spoke, and that no amount of manipulation on my part would change his mind.

We women can operate too much in the realm of "sympathy", which can be a masked attempt to gratify ourselves. It takes a Proverbs 31 woman, God's woman, to be willing to risk hurting someone's feelings in the short-term in order to gain lasting character in the long-run.

As to high expectations--I tend to under-estimate just what my children are truly capable of.

Take kitchen clean-up, for an example. If I am not on top of things, this one function in our day can take over a half of an hour, and that with six people helping! This is ridiculous by anyone's standards, but whenever I confront the children, they all claim it would be impossible to do better, until I bring accountability...

...I refer to the inspection sheet and the time requirement allotted for each task--then, once again, things start hopping in the kitchen, and the former slip-shod effort which took almost one hour suddenly transforms into a kitchen as clean as an operating room in less than half the time!

Of course we don't want to put burdens on little ones before they are ready, and anyone will agree that to expect our children to carry our load so that we can sit at the computer or watch TV or read novel after novel is utterly unacceptable--any woman who acts like this should not consider herself a fit mother. But our children need structure, personal involvement and teamwork skills. They need us to give them the necessary tasks that challenge them, and for us to be involved, working along-side them to guide or at the very least to keep a close, keen eye on what they are doing. Many times this is much more arduous than actually doing the work itself--and many women cop out in this way, too, feeling that training children to cook, clean and keep house and home is just too much work--it's easier just to take things in hand and get them done yourself!

By not allowing our children to participate in daily routines we rob them of the tools they will soon need to more accurately understand and accept their personal responsibility as young adults in society at large.

Submission to authority should be part of every child's upbringing. Either they will learn it at home, or learn it the hard way--when they are on their own--ultimately everyone submits to someone, and everyone, whether they believe it or not, will, in the end submit to God. A woman who is under her husband should also command the respect of her male children, and that means that she should sanction them each time they are stepping beyond prescribe limits. They are expected to be clean and dressed properly each day--I personally have a little personal hygiene checklist for my boys--they, initially, will need to be hounded into keeping up their grooming practices, (it is something they just don't obviously think about unless you make it a point with them), and eventually, they will be glad you did.

Dad's instinctively understand these things about their boys, but we women can often make the horrible mistake that we need to "shield" them from their fathers--for shame! If we will not give our boys reasons to feel sorry for themselves, they might actually get the message and grow up with great respect and admiration, even thankfulness, for the loving strictness of their fathers.

If the boys of this generation need anything, it is the strong and consistent discipline of their fathers. We have a nation of wimps because women keep trying to run things like women would--some fuzzy, "feely" sort of way. This is a terrific way to run a nursery, a horrible way to run a family, a city or especially a nation.


I loved watching John Wayne in the "The High and the Mighty". In this movie he is a very experienced co-pilot with a lot of flying hours and when the pilot of the plane becomes emotionally irrational in a time of great stress--at the very moment he needs to keep a cool head on his shoulders. John Wayne reaches over and smacks the pilot with his large, heavy hand on either cheek and then says, in his manly drawl, "Get ahold a' yerself"! The pilot promptly thanks Wayne and then proceeds to "suck it up" and get control of himself, which results in a safe landing for all concerned.

Sometimes I need just that sort of slap to get myself back on track, and God is so gracious to do just that to me when I need it. Our children, too, are inwardly begging us to do this for them daily--we must have the intestinal fortitude and strength to take up our godly responsibility and do what's necessary.

The scripture says if we correct our sons, we will have rest--then we can honestly appreciate them and spend time enjoying them--we can not have one without the other.

Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.  Proverbs 29:17