Relatives and other bullies

A recent commenter's story almost made me cry. Because she has decided to homeschool her child, her mother-in-law is threatening to turn her in to the CPS for child abuse!

Raising a child well is not easy. It takes two people who are dedicated to losing their lives; who are willing to make choices that are not always understood in order to safeguard their child and their family, especially in our day of political double-speak and "un"family values.

But what if this couple is more dedicated than most? What if they are not just concerned with the basic requirements, but they are also concerned with the heart of their child?

You would think that everyone would rally around this couple, that they would congratulate them and bolster them and encourage them. But they don't.

And the relatives are the worst.

I don't think they mean to be--for the most part at least. They are just programmed to look at education and child-rearing in a certain way. Older folks, especially, like things the same; they like things that are uniform, without so many surprises, and who can blame them considering the explosion of technology and other changes in the world in the last 2 decades.

For many relatives who may not understand at first, there are ways to win them, especially if they are just genuinely interested. These are the precious type that you can sit down with and discuss, and they will actually listen with open hearts and minds. There are certain points that one can bring up that will help them to understand, but first remember not to put them on the defensive, like using situations in which they failed you as a child, etc. Also, be respectful of their age and position in your life. Pray, pray, pray for wisdom, then try this:

1) Give them a brief synopsis of true education--start with Sparta to Prussia to Massachusetts (use Gatto and others like him as a reference on this)

2) If they are Christians, explain to them the difference between a Greek education and a Hebrew one (Heart of Wisdom will help here) and explain the premise of public schooling (secular/humanist) and how you plan on bringing your children up with a Judeo-Christian world view (Voddie Baucham is great for this--here's a little YouTube that is pretty interesting).

3) Tell them that everyone is homeschooled to one extent or other--remind them of accomplishments in their own lives that were un-schoolish.

4) Assure their hearts by being able to articulate the educational direction your family plans to take--like what sorts of methods appeal to you (you don't have to get specific here--just the fact that you are able to explain things inteligently is enough for most people).

5) It also helps to throw in a few success stories and famous people--I like to begin with famous homeschooled people of the past, such as Edison, George Washington, etc. (Learn in Freedom has some wonderful resources for this purpose).

6) Be mindful of just where your audience has been; bring them up to speed s-l-o-w-l-y. New ideas take a while for anyone to grasp, I know that they took a while for me.

With all this having been said, there are difficult people in this world; people that will not listen or even attempt to understand. And there are also people that can only go so far--at a certain point they just cease to comprehend. Sometimes this can be fine, too. Lots of relatives just "agree to disagree", but don't let it go any further than that, and are often still supportive. These folks are honestly trying to be loving, even though you may not be able to share everything with them, the love relationship can still be intact.

Then there are others, and these are the ones that disrupt and threaten and plague. Once you make the announcement that you and your family will be implementing a cross-cultural lifestyle (such as homeschooling), harmony goes out the window. Every family gathering, every phone conversation, every natural passage of life becomes another opportunity for scrutinization. Your child will not be able to have a cold, or a lisp, or shoes that are untied without it being attributed to the "wierd" way you live.

Sometimes these relatives are nothing more than irritants, and usually they can be ignored and life still goes on.

But there are certain situations in which relatives meddle and disrupt and do damage to a family. They are arrogant and militant, and become bent on either convincing you or forcing you to "recant". They speak disrespectfully about you to your children. They threaten you. They ask prying questions and tell you horror story after horror story to try and discourage you. They might even give you money or gifts to support you one minute, and then use them to obligate you to listen to them as they attempt to tear you down.

I offer here a bit of advice in dealing with the last type of relative--don't! Don't think that you can sway them or that somehow you can convince them--your efforts will avail little. You must have as little contact with them as possible and turn them over to God. You won't do this to hurt them--but to protect the innocents under your roof.

Jesus directed His disciples this way--remember when he sent them out two-by-two? He told them not to waste time with those that didn't have ears to hear, but to shake the dust off their feet.

I have some very encouraging and understanding relatives, some that are just supportive, and still others that are antagonistic. I wasted a lot of time trying to convince the antagonist ones--even allowing them to pick on one of my late-blooming children until she would automatically throw up whenever she was around them--she is sensitive and sweet, which made it worse for her. How very stupid I was! Even though they are not allowed contact with our younger children, they still attempt to convince our older children that their parents are idiots--even after seeing how successful our children are--how sad!

How I wish that I had become wiser at a younger age--but I wasn't. First of all, I didn't always explain myself very well, and I automatically assumed that any opposition I received was a personal attack, instead of realizing that I needed to explain and be considerate and allow people to process. Secondly, I wanted to keep the peace at all cost--even if it meant that my own children were being abused and our lives were constantly being interrupted by the crises created through outside "interventions".

Perhaps someone reading this will learn from my mistakes and heartache--maybe you will be the one wise enough to put the welfare of your child above your need for "approval".

The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe. (Proverbs 29:25)